Saturday, December 29, 2012

Ring Around My Toesies

 I'll start with one about me, That's only fair, right?

Residing in the "mother in law" apartment at MY in-laws was never my idea of what my life would be like at 25, yet that was the reality.  My husband of nearly 2 years was never going to leave that place, so I begrudgingly agreed.  Don't get me wrong...They were great and I appreciate the many years of care FREE living, but I have an independent spirit.  I just longed for the day that I could be intimate with my husband and not have someone just walk in and grab milk out of our fridge, peruse our leftovers, and then walk out like nothing was going on.  (True Story)

It was a full apartment with all amenities, full kitchen, private bathroom, improvised laundry room, and 1 teeny, tiny basement sized window which on the outside was at ground level...under a bush.  No natural light crept in at all.

I worked as a collector for a major department store.  It was the perfect job for me.  I was newly married with no children, the hours were ALL OVER THE PLACE, and while I made an hourly wage, I was netting about $1500-$3000 additionally in bonus every month!  I loved that job.

As much as I loved that job, they were very strict.  You could not be late for work, from breaks, or from lunch.  I had about an hour commute if I had a 7 am shift and being a night owl, I was always on the run.

Once we were having an "awards meeting" first thing in the morning.  I was set to receive the "Collector of the Month" award so I could not be late.  I, of course, woke up at 5:45am giving 15 minutes before I had to be out the door.

I jumped in the shower, got dressed in the dark, darted across the kitchen, into the dark living room, heading straight for the door when all of a sudden WHAM!  No...not the George Michael variety. 

Me, face, floor.

I stepped in and then tripped over the laundry basket.  Tangled in clothes, I threw my freshly cleaned laundry to the floor, righted myself, and despite the rug burn on my elbows, continued out the door undaunted.

A torrential downpour met me this fine morning. 

GREAT.

Traffic was a mess and I was going to be late.  There were no two ways about it.

The office was inside the warehouse where they kept the mattresses and furniture for delivery, so the parking lot was just shy of ginormous.  I had to park around the side of the building which translated to about a quarter mile hike to the door, in a downpour that I can only describe as being like God flushing a toilet, and me without my umbrella.

As I made my way across the parking lot as fast as my 5ft frame could carry me, I had the odd sensation that the back of my left leg (more than anything else) was getting extremely wet. Figuring that my shoes were kicking up water,  I adjusted my gait to more of a high school band march, but nothing helped.  The back of my left leg was soaked through to skin. 

With only seconds to spare and copious amounts of water still falling earthbound I made it to the doorway.  I was going to take a second to right myself, before walking into the cafeteria area where the meeting was being held, but I was distracted by the laughter at the security desk, obviously directed at me.

"You think that was funny?" I snarled, as I walked past the security desk into the hallway that empties into the cafeteria.

With each step I took, the laughter increased and I heard a defined almost slapping noise.  I turned toward the desk,  to notice the guards re-winding the security video.  I just barely made out the HUGE white something apparently chasing me from behind.

I looked down and my eyes met the culprit.

An enormous, stretched out, and completely soaked pair of my underwear.  Not cute, little matching bra and panties type, but your above average quality pair of the "granny panty" variety.

What to do?

Stuck in a hallway in what seemed like the balance of my past and my future, I had to make a decision.  I bent down, forced them into my front pocket, walked into the awards banquet and sat down next to my friend. 

They used to make us do some silly stuff to motivate the collectors.  They would make us pick theme songs to walk the aisle to get our awards.  This time, I chose Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure".  I heard the music start.

Cold Sweat.

I get the award, walk back to my seat.  My friend, Sari leans over and says very non-chalantly "Did you piss your pants?"

"No?" I responded sheepishly.

"Your pants are completely soaked in the back AND in the front.  It looks like it rolled down your leg." she replied.

I promised I would tell her later.

As we were walking back to our desks, I was explaining how I must have stepped into the underwear when I tripped on the basket, we passed the bathrooms.  Laying in the middle of the floor was a pair of women's underwear.  We looked at each other and broke out into raucous laughter as we heard the security guard in the corridor say, "Do those look familiar?"